Roughly 3 years ago

I am in my late twenties. I’m lying, I am in my mid twenties but by the time I perfect this collection of stories of men, I will be in my late twenties….maybe even early thirties. It’s Monday and I am at my place of employment. I do not call it work or my job because there is none of that to be done. So I have decided to utilize my time and write about all my failed attempts to find love. There is a point in every relationship where someone in the relationship wakes up and realizes they no longer like the other person. I call this the turning point, when one minute I am madly in love and the next minute I hate the man’s guts; like I picture punching him. I am well aware that I may suffer from a psychological disease but of all the times I have talked about my desperate need to see a therapist I have yet to do so, just because the hourly rate is too high. So in this blog, although it may seem cruel and very shallow…I am going to relive the moments when I glanced over at a man I just made out with and feel complete and utter disgust by his presence. It’s amazing what our minds can do to us.

Chapter one. My Boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend right now. I am searching for ways to get rid of him. Everything about him was perfect on our first date; great job, great goals, tall, handsome, gentlemen, and same interests. Even after the first week I thought he was the man I was going to marry. I told everyone that he was my soul mate. I throw that word around like it’s a pair of jeans I am not ready to wash yet; still several more times to be worn. Then the turning point started to creep around the corner and it was the day he really started to like me. I start looking at him from a distance questioning if I'm even attracted. Who is this guy sitting in MY apartment, petting MY dog and sleeping in MY bed? Do I even know this stranger who isn’t even cute and who keeps trying to kiss me? I start to feel a curdling in my stomach and although I keep a fake smile I am about to throw up. We make out and I hold on to his back while I stare at the ceiling holding back my chunks. When it’s over I cling to the very opposite edge of the bed, he passes out next to me snoring loudly. Who is this guy whose tongue was just in my mouth, now so lazy he sleeps in a deep sleep next to me making noises while I am trying to sleep in my bed. I want him out I think to myself, I want him out.

Knowing my past, my history, my disease I try for the next few days to get over my thoughts. I try to make myself want him, make myself like him. I like him when I am lonely but the minute I am with him I want him gone. Maybe I was a praying mantis in my past life; it was my nickname in grade school, but only because I was tall and lanky. Nothing works but to avoid him at all costs and I will do this to prevent having to break up with him. I can’t confront people; it’s not in my genes. The only time I confront people is when I eventually blow up, like a ticking time bomb and then things fly out of my mouth that don’t even make sense; all my pent up thoughts, fears, and sicknesses. I have thought of writing him a letter, shooting him a text, doing nothing; just disappearing. None of it seems fair, but I can’t stare him in the eyes and say the thought of looking at you makes me want to vomit.

How did this turning point happen? My friends analyze me like I am a science project. Were you initially attracted to him? Yes. Did you initially like him? Yes. Did he start liking you too much? Yes. Now you think he is butt ugly and disgusting? Yes and Yes. They look at me in pity, yet they know deep down they suffer from it too…just not merely as bad as I do. I am convinced that all women deep down suffer from wanting a) jerk and b) what you can’t have. I on the other hand got the disease tenfold and I will never be happy. I will marry a guy who treats me like crap but it’s better than being grossed out at the turning point.

This isn’t the first occurrence. I have had the turning point throughout my whole dating life. I realize that disliking someone while dating is normal; this is supposed to happen until you do find “the one”. But I find myself analyzing why I reach the turning point so abruptly and why the turning point really happens when the guy starts to really like me. Why have all the guys that were the ‘loves of my life’ been the ones who completely hurt me and treated me badly? Why do I get so physically grossed out by someone when they become emotionally attached to me? And finally, what’s wrong with me?

 My boss once told me I am very shallow. I told him I didn’t want to date a guy because he was 5’2’; borderline midget and I can’t date anyone shorter than me. My boss looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You are very shallow”. Maybe I am shallow, but it doesn’t make sense…because I really don't think that I am a shallow person.  But  I am over critical; the way they chew, their clothes, their teeth, their hair, their breathe, their car, their money, their laugh, their humor, if they take a water from my fridge without asking, if they mess up my sheets, if they don’t like my dog, if they don’t like my friends, if my friends don’t like them, if everyone thinks their hot, their job, their future, how many kids they want,  their nose hair, their back hair, if they snore, their body proportion, their cleanliness, their shoes, their hobbies, their lips, their nose, their eyes, the sleep that is in their eyes, their fingernails, their toenails, their body odor, if they put the seat back down,…you see what I mean. It’s every little detail. But when I find him, when I really love him, I love all his flaws. I have loved all these flaws in a guy before but I think only because I could never fully have him.

I have stopped dating a guy because his torso was too long and his legs too short.

I have stopped dating a guy because he was balding and would always wear a hat and I wanted to rip the hat off and scream, “Face it” but then again, I didn’t want to face it. I have stopped dating a guy because he would yell in a high pitch voice, “Holla”. I have stopped dating a guy because his breath was bad and he was always broke. I have stopped dating a guy because I pictured him pooping on the toilet and it was a hideous sight. I have stopped dating a guy because his hands looked like Shrek’s.  I have stopped dating a guy because he had a creaky back. I have stopped dating a guy because he kissed like a cold fish. The list could go on and on and on....but I think you get the point.