My ex-boyfriend

 

Last night I broke up with my boyfriend. I told him we just weren’t compatible and that my schedule was so busy I felt like a bad girlfriend. I told him, "It's not you, it's me". He said he was confused and he thought everything was perfect. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he never really made me laugh and that the sight of him was so repulsive that at times I found that it was the hardest thing in the world just to be decent to him. I knew I couldn't go on feeling this way about him because I could feel myself being so childish and so rude and treating him like crap. It's weird walking away from something that I know could have been good and stable. But I am not stable; my mind is the most unstable thing I possess. My mind turns on me rapidly at any point and it holds no mercy. It makes itself up and it never turns back. I wanted to like him so bad. I wanted to love him and get married and finally be at peace. But I wouldn’t have been at peace, I would have been in agony; each day throwing chunks in the bathroom while he sleeps peacefully. What if I am never happy with anyone? What if I am destined to be alone forever because of my disease? No one will ever be perfect, when will I start to get over that?

I talked with Amira, my best friend today and she told me about a curse that runs deep in her father’s genes, his ancestors before him had it. They call it the “Qattani sickness” and it comes from the faraway lands of Jordan. The whole family can find a flaw in anyone. Her father says, “If someone has a flaw, I will find it”. She tells me I must be descended from her ancestors and that although it is a life altering sickness, one day I can be saved and will find love, just as her father did with her mother.

Now that I am once again single, I have decided I am going to try and stay single. Dating is so exhausting. I wish you could burn calories dating; I would be paper-thin. Plus, I am tired of trying to make it work, trying to find Mr. Perfect, tired of fake laughing, crying, being insecure, being worried, flirting, being happy, being sad, making plans, spending money, introducing Oscar, trying to be perfect, waiting for a text, prepping for my friends, worrying about everything that could go wrong, having everything go wrong, getting dumped, having to dump, looking pretty, playing it cool, being jealous, getting irritated, shaving my legs, getting excited, becoming hopeful, being unrealistic, facing reality, my number going up, losing interest and having everything fall apart; everything falls apart.