An Alien abduction (and not the good kind)

He asked for my number a few weeks after I told everyone in the office that I had a huge crush on him hoping it would get back to him and he would ask for my number. I liked that he had a bicked head and was an intelligent man. He was older and made good money and I thought it would be a nice change. We ate at In-In-Out which is the reason I wasn’t able to smell the pungent reek of body odor that was steaming off of him until we were side by side at the movie theatre. You have never really smelled true B.O. until you have gone on a date with this man. I realize that we are human beings and that at some point our armpits will create an unsatisfactory smell but this was like a demon was dead in his pit. I held my breath for 92 minutes and we headed out to his car. So we get into his truck in the parking lot and there are street lights all around, so the setting is dark with dim neon lights outside. I am describing the setting for you so that you will have a good understanding for what was about to happen next. We were just sitting in his truck talking when he went in for the kiss. I knew I couldn’t kiss a guy with these pits so I dug my head into the side of his neck; I guess that tickled. He started saying in a low, slow motion, winey kind of tone, “Nooooo, Kannnnnnddddiiii, stooooopppp ittttt” I started laughing which made him do it even more. I was also digging my face as far as possible into his neck so that it would plug my nose. He proceeded to moan and wine, “NOOOOO KANNNNDIIII, STOOOOOOPPPPP”. I lifted my head to look at him and the neon lights were reflecting off of his bicked head and there was a bright beam shooting into the sky. I couldn’t see his face; I was blinded by the beam. All I could see was a blurry white blob of a face and a shiny beam, and all I could hear were the continuous moans; at that point I knew I had been abducted.

I can’t remember how it ended as my memory may have been taken from me but I’m pretty sure ‘it was getting late and I had to be up early’. We never went out again because I couldn’t get past the fact that I would from that point on always picture him as an alien with really bad B.O.

Growing up

I didn’t have many boyfriends growing up. I mean I wasn’t one to go kiss behind the handball court. I had a mushroom cut and bottle cap glasses; I was pretty hideous to say the least. The only action I got was in third grade I saw Andrew’s ball sack when he fell down after getting slugged by a ball in dodge ball. I don’t know if I was waiting for the chance to spot them out every time he fell or if I just happened to glance at the perfect moment to see his balls go slapping to the rough top. My first crush was Patrick and he never liked me. I would do whatever he was doing at recess and pretend to enjoy it much more than he did; I wanted to be his perfect girl. I remember running around the soccer field following him like a little nat, pretending to be chasing the ball; hoping he would go falling to the floor like Andrew had. I couldn’t wait for him to sign my yearbook and after the year was over and I was sure no one else would see my book, I drew a heart around his picture, claiming him as mine. He never was mine and in the years to follow he would always have a piece of my heart, because he was so unattainable. Maybe it was you Patrick, who screwed me up.

My ex-boyfriend

 

Last night I broke up with my boyfriend. I told him we just weren’t compatible and that my schedule was so busy I felt like a bad girlfriend. I told him, "It's not you, it's me". He said he was confused and he thought everything was perfect. I didn’t have the heart to tell him he never really made me laugh and that the sight of him was so repulsive that at times I found that it was the hardest thing in the world just to be decent to him. I knew I couldn't go on feeling this way about him because I could feel myself being so childish and so rude and treating him like crap. It's weird walking away from something that I know could have been good and stable. But I am not stable; my mind is the most unstable thing I possess. My mind turns on me rapidly at any point and it holds no mercy. It makes itself up and it never turns back. I wanted to like him so bad. I wanted to love him and get married and finally be at peace. But I wouldn’t have been at peace, I would have been in agony; each day throwing chunks in the bathroom while he sleeps peacefully. What if I am never happy with anyone? What if I am destined to be alone forever because of my disease? No one will ever be perfect, when will I start to get over that?

I talked with Amira, my best friend today and she told me about a curse that runs deep in her father’s genes, his ancestors before him had it. They call it the “Qattani sickness” and it comes from the faraway lands of Jordan. The whole family can find a flaw in anyone. Her father says, “If someone has a flaw, I will find it”. She tells me I must be descended from her ancestors and that although it is a life altering sickness, one day I can be saved and will find love, just as her father did with her mother.

Now that I am once again single, I have decided I am going to try and stay single. Dating is so exhausting. I wish you could burn calories dating; I would be paper-thin. Plus, I am tired of trying to make it work, trying to find Mr. Perfect, tired of fake laughing, crying, being insecure, being worried, flirting, being happy, being sad, making plans, spending money, introducing Oscar, trying to be perfect, waiting for a text, prepping for my friends, worrying about everything that could go wrong, having everything go wrong, getting dumped, having to dump, looking pretty, playing it cool, being jealous, getting irritated, shaving my legs, getting excited, becoming hopeful, being unrealistic, facing reality, my number going up, losing interest and having everything fall apart; everything falls apart.

Roughly 3 years ago

I am in my late twenties. I’m lying, I am in my mid twenties but by the time I perfect this collection of stories of men, I will be in my late twenties….maybe even early thirties. It’s Monday and I am at my place of employment. I do not call it work or my job because there is none of that to be done. So I have decided to utilize my time and write about all my failed attempts to find love. There is a point in every relationship where someone in the relationship wakes up and realizes they no longer like the other person. I call this the turning point, when one minute I am madly in love and the next minute I hate the man’s guts; like I picture punching him. I am well aware that I may suffer from a psychological disease but of all the times I have talked about my desperate need to see a therapist I have yet to do so, just because the hourly rate is too high. So in this blog, although it may seem cruel and very shallow…I am going to relive the moments when I glanced over at a man I just made out with and feel complete and utter disgust by his presence. It’s amazing what our minds can do to us.

Chapter one. My Boyfriend.

I have a boyfriend right now. I am searching for ways to get rid of him. Everything about him was perfect on our first date; great job, great goals, tall, handsome, gentlemen, and same interests. Even after the first week I thought he was the man I was going to marry. I told everyone that he was my soul mate. I throw that word around like it’s a pair of jeans I am not ready to wash yet; still several more times to be worn. Then the turning point started to creep around the corner and it was the day he really started to like me. I start looking at him from a distance questioning if I'm even attracted. Who is this guy sitting in MY apartment, petting MY dog and sleeping in MY bed? Do I even know this stranger who isn’t even cute and who keeps trying to kiss me? I start to feel a curdling in my stomach and although I keep a fake smile I am about to throw up. We make out and I hold on to his back while I stare at the ceiling holding back my chunks. When it’s over I cling to the very opposite edge of the bed, he passes out next to me snoring loudly. Who is this guy whose tongue was just in my mouth, now so lazy he sleeps in a deep sleep next to me making noises while I am trying to sleep in my bed. I want him out I think to myself, I want him out.

Knowing my past, my history, my disease I try for the next few days to get over my thoughts. I try to make myself want him, make myself like him. I like him when I am lonely but the minute I am with him I want him gone. Maybe I was a praying mantis in my past life; it was my nickname in grade school, but only because I was tall and lanky. Nothing works but to avoid him at all costs and I will do this to prevent having to break up with him. I can’t confront people; it’s not in my genes. The only time I confront people is when I eventually blow up, like a ticking time bomb and then things fly out of my mouth that don’t even make sense; all my pent up thoughts, fears, and sicknesses. I have thought of writing him a letter, shooting him a text, doing nothing; just disappearing. None of it seems fair, but I can’t stare him in the eyes and say the thought of looking at you makes me want to vomit.

How did this turning point happen? My friends analyze me like I am a science project. Were you initially attracted to him? Yes. Did you initially like him? Yes. Did he start liking you too much? Yes. Now you think he is butt ugly and disgusting? Yes and Yes. They look at me in pity, yet they know deep down they suffer from it too…just not merely as bad as I do. I am convinced that all women deep down suffer from wanting a) jerk and b) what you can’t have. I on the other hand got the disease tenfold and I will never be happy. I will marry a guy who treats me like crap but it’s better than being grossed out at the turning point.

This isn’t the first occurrence. I have had the turning point throughout my whole dating life. I realize that disliking someone while dating is normal; this is supposed to happen until you do find “the one”. But I find myself analyzing why I reach the turning point so abruptly and why the turning point really happens when the guy starts to really like me. Why have all the guys that were the ‘loves of my life’ been the ones who completely hurt me and treated me badly? Why do I get so physically grossed out by someone when they become emotionally attached to me? And finally, what’s wrong with me?

 My boss once told me I am very shallow. I told him I didn’t want to date a guy because he was 5’2’; borderline midget and I can’t date anyone shorter than me. My boss looked me straight in the eyes and said, “You are very shallow”. Maybe I am shallow, but it doesn’t make sense…because I really don't think that I am a shallow person.  But  I am over critical; the way they chew, their clothes, their teeth, their hair, their breathe, their car, their money, their laugh, their humor, if they take a water from my fridge without asking, if they mess up my sheets, if they don’t like my dog, if they don’t like my friends, if my friends don’t like them, if everyone thinks their hot, their job, their future, how many kids they want,  their nose hair, their back hair, if they snore, their body proportion, their cleanliness, their shoes, their hobbies, their lips, their nose, their eyes, the sleep that is in their eyes, their fingernails, their toenails, their body odor, if they put the seat back down,…you see what I mean. It’s every little detail. But when I find him, when I really love him, I love all his flaws. I have loved all these flaws in a guy before but I think only because I could never fully have him.

I have stopped dating a guy because his torso was too long and his legs too short.

I have stopped dating a guy because he was balding and would always wear a hat and I wanted to rip the hat off and scream, “Face it” but then again, I didn’t want to face it. I have stopped dating a guy because he would yell in a high pitch voice, “Holla”. I have stopped dating a guy because his breath was bad and he was always broke. I have stopped dating a guy because I pictured him pooping on the toilet and it was a hideous sight. I have stopped dating a guy because his hands looked like Shrek’s.  I have stopped dating a guy because he had a creaky back. I have stopped dating a guy because he kissed like a cold fish. The list could go on and on and on....but I think you get the point.